The Strong One

I want to be the strong one, the one that people look up to for their strength during a difficult time. That's just not me tonight though, I can't seem to stop the tears. As I type this tonight, through tear filled eyes, I wonder what the future holds for us. I have so many "what-ifs" going through my head, I try so hard not to let that happen but, at times, it seems to consume me like a deep rolling fog. I never see it coming, it just hits me and I can't seem to stop it. The pain that infertility brings is all but unbearable at times....I feel as though I'm grieving the loss of someone I've never even met but that I love more than I do myself. How do I get over the loss of someone who never even existed outside of my heart & mind? I spent years, before we received the azoospermia diagnosis, imaging what our children would look like....I imagined them as the perfect mixture of myself & the man that I love so much. I'm just struggling tonight with the reality that, now, we will never know. If we are able to conceive with DS/IUI, I have no doubts that we will love them more than life itself & that there will be no difference to us at that point but, this is all very new to us so the pain is still here right now. 


As I lay here tonight, with a heavy heart and an empty womb, I try to picture the day we finally meet you, the first time we hear the rhythmic thumping of your tiny little heart and your first kicks & wiggles. I'm trying so hard to think only of the good, however, I know that there is a chance that you might not ever come to be. I won't accept that though, I promise to fight with everything I have for you....I promise to keep going until there is no where left to go. I pray daily for you and the love that I already have for you is truly immeasurable. I keep thinking I can just wish you into existence but that's simply not possible, if it were you would've been here long ago! The decisions your daddy and I have faced so far have been harder than we ever dreamed possible, I pray that you will never be faced with these types of decisions yourself but that you will understand and not resent us for the decisions that we have had & will have to make. You only exist in our hearts & minds right now but we already love you so much. Hopefully, someday you will be here and know the love that we have for you.