A Long Overdue Update...One Year & Three Days Later.

Well, here I am. One year & three days after our world came crashing down. It's been one year & three days since we first found out that DH had no sperm. I can still remember that day as if it were only yesterday. The pain, the hurt, the confusion...it's all still so real. A year has come & gone and we're still no closer to parenthood than we were to begin with....all we have to show for our struggles is a mountain of medical bills & a painful cyst on my right ovary that refuses to go away. It's been a long time since I updated this page, I actually had 3 IUI's done in total, all of which failed. With my first IUI, in February, we went with a, higher than normal, dose of Femara (5mg, normal is 2.5 mg) and a ovulation trigger shot a day before my IUI. On my second IUI, in March, Dr. Bates decided to keep me on the same dosage since I responded so well to the first dose. On March 27, I woke up with severe abdominal pains & was told by my nurse to go straight to the ER....after several ultrasounds & tests, it was discovered that an ovarian cyst had burst.
In April, I asked that an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test be done.....that was terribly painful!  An HSG test is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A HSG test also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. Because of the HSG test, we took that month off from an IUI.
 In May, we went full force, I was put on a very high dose of Femara (10, normal is 2.5mg) as well as, high doses of Follistim injectables (100IU, my injectables were FSH hormone shots that I gave myself daily) & a 10,000IU Novarel trigger shot that I had to give myself on May22. 
On May 24, 2012, we had our last donor sperm IUI. We were out of money (each vial of donor sperm costs $700, we had bought 3 & insurance does not cover anything for infertility, each of our three procedures cost roughly $1,800 each), out of patience, & just emotionally could not handle any more of it. We decided if this last IUI didn't work, it would be our final chance. On June 7, my menstural cycle arrived & we were done, it was over.         Since I ended treatment, I've suffered terrible pains from a cyst on my right ovary caused from the high doses of hormones. The cyst has begun to affect my menstrual cycles so instead of coming every 28 days, they can sometimes not come for as many as 46 days. Anthony & I have adjusted somewhat to the idea of not being parents, we still catch ourselves saying things about "when we have kids". Maybe someday we'll try again, or possibly look into adoption but for now we're just enjoying our time together with our two dogs, Mojo & Squeaky....they're our babies for now & we definitely treat them as such:)

The Strong One

I want to be the strong one, the one that people look up to for their strength during a difficult time. That's just not me tonight though, I can't seem to stop the tears. As I type this tonight, through tear filled eyes, I wonder what the future holds for us. I have so many "what-ifs" going through my head, I try so hard not to let that happen but, at times, it seems to consume me like a deep rolling fog. I never see it coming, it just hits me and I can't seem to stop it. The pain that infertility brings is all but unbearable at times....I feel as though I'm grieving the loss of someone I've never even met but that I love more than I do myself. How do I get over the loss of someone who never even existed outside of my heart & mind? I spent years, before we received the azoospermia diagnosis, imaging what our children would look like....I imagined them as the perfect mixture of myself & the man that I love so much. I'm just struggling tonight with the reality that, now, we will never know. If we are able to conceive with DS/IUI, I have no doubts that we will love them more than life itself & that there will be no difference to us at that point but, this is all very new to us so the pain is still here right now. 


As I lay here tonight, with a heavy heart and an empty womb, I try to picture the day we finally meet you, the first time we hear the rhythmic thumping of your tiny little heart and your first kicks & wiggles. I'm trying so hard to think only of the good, however, I know that there is a chance that you might not ever come to be. I won't accept that though, I promise to fight with everything I have for you....I promise to keep going until there is no where left to go. I pray daily for you and the love that I already have for you is truly immeasurable. I keep thinking I can just wish you into existence but that's simply not possible, if it were you would've been here long ago! The decisions your daddy and I have faced so far have been harder than we ever dreamed possible, I pray that you will never be faced with these types of decisions yourself but that you will understand and not resent us for the decisions that we have had & will have to make. You only exist in our hearts & minds right now but we already love you so much. Hopefully, someday you will be here and know the love that we have for you.