Friday, April 18, 2014

It's been awhile...

It's been two years, 5 months and 2 days since we sat in that tiny, white walled exam room anxiously awaiting news that, ultimately, neither of us ever dreamed of hearing. Hearing that we would never conceive a biological child together is something no couple, who wishes to get pregnant, ever imagines. That's not how life is supposed to work, fairy tales say that you grow up, get married & have children...there's no mention of infertility. I suppose that wouldn't make a very good story but for some, such as my husband & I, it's reality. Infertility is our reality. So much has changed since we were married almost 5 years ago, we're certainly not who we once were. We have a whole new understanding of pain & heartbreak, we know what it feels like to have our dreams utterly crushed. We're still no closer to parenthood than we were in the beginning....but we've gained perspective & we've learned what it means to love one another unconditionally.

I'm still bitter, at times, I suppose I always will be to some degree. It's something I really have to work on & pray hard about daily. A bitter heart makes for a sad life & I refuse to allow infertility to so consume me that I have a sad life. Anthony & I have grown so much in these 2.5 years & I believe we have infertility to THANK for that. No, I'm not thankful for infertility but I am thankful for the lessons it has taught us. I never thought I would see the day when it didn't consume my mind or that I didn't cry at the very thought of childlessness. I'm still sad, oh am I sad, but I've found a peace with my sadness.

Anthony & I will try again, eventually....maybe sooner, rather than later. We've worked very hard to  be debt free by the end of this year. I'm hoping the financial burden we experienced with our last round of treatments won't be an issue this time around. I would have kept going with treatments if it weren't for the major lack of funds.

I still struggle with our reality but I'm thankful for where we've been & where we're going. They say it's always darkest before the dawn & two years ago was the darkest time of my life, I'm thankful that I can finally see the dawn out there in the horizon....

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